Excuse me Sir, are you a Rupert?
It begins with an impossibly cute dog called Boo. Ever heard of him?
He’s a Pomeranian, owned by god-knows-who, and does god-knows-what. What does any of this even matter?
Well, this mutha-fucking, tiny-ass dog has 6.4 million likes on Facebook. O to the M to the G.
It’s as though every other person that passed through Changi Airport last year went on Facebook and liked his furry-faced page. The power Boo holds in his tiny paws is palpable. He could post a blank picture and easily, almost too easily, get at least ten thousand likes.
So it got me thinking. We’ve got a dog right here in the office, and his name is Rupert. OK, it’s a human name, though he’s got more in common with Snoop Dogg than the rest of humanity combined. The dude, I’m pretty sure, is just stoned out of his mind on an almost continuous basis. I’m talking about the dog of course.
He just lies there, on the floor, oblivious to the maelstrom of activity around him. Poke him, prod him, and his response is to flutter his eyelids and fall asleep.
So, on one hand, i’m inspired by this marvel of creation – Boo. On the other hand, I’ve got a pot-smoking dog, strung out 24/7, and largely immobile.
Herein lies the beauty of humanity. It’s why I thank Him (or Her? or It?) for giving us this gelatinous mass of cells that sits, well padded, in our thick skulls. If Rupert isn’t giving me anything to work with, well, I’ll do the work for him!
I discovered, mostly out of boredom, that Rupert is one potential-laden canine. He’s like a crazed suicide-bomber with 10 kilotons of C4 (that is, cute to the power of 4) strapped to his waist, screaming ‘AAARFFFFF!!!!!’ as he charges into a crowd of young women. All I did was upload a few (unspectacular) pictures of him on my Instagram account and Lo, “Let there be Likes”.
Now, we’re not talking Bieber-level likes. But for my mediocre, 10-likes-per-sunset-photo Instagram account, suddenly hitting the big time with an average of 20-25 likes per-Rupert photo was monumental.
Crawl before you Ball
So says Yeezy. And it’s true. I looked at Rupert, sprawled on the floor, his tongue splayed in the most adorable fashion, and I got it. The Dude needed a Facebook page. And Lo! He already had one, created by someone eons ago, but mostly un-maintained and filled with completely random, un-thought through and blurry pictures of him. Most depressing of all – 60 fans.
And then came the turning point – the office Christmas party. Alexis took the most incredible photo of Rupert, asleep (as usual), but with beer cans about his face. He looked like a complete baller. And his page EXPLODED. 71 likes. 71! I doubt I’ve had 71 haircuts in my lifetime.
I knew then, that for my little bro to succeed, I would have to do ALL the work for him.
I stalked the little dude. I knew his habits, and his preferences, and his ‘style’. Which is to say, you can literally do anything to him, and his likely response is to fall asleep.
The next step was to give him a voice – contributed by the Contentoes, and with an increasing level of success. Rupert needed a make-over, a persona, a Voice. We made him Rupert Gosling – chick magnet extraordinaire.
A couple of weeks of staggered posts and artfully (LOL) crafted replies to wall posts, and the Dude climbed from a measly 60 fans to, now, 233. I’m guessing they’re mostly women, but hey, Rupert eats chicks for breakfast.
For now, the Contentoes are pleased. We’re sticking with this strategy for the time being, so stay tuned for updates on Sir Rupert, the most popular sleeping dog in the world.